[ News ] [ Magazines ] [ Books ] [ Silver Age Bookshop ] [ Authors ] [ Entertainment ] [ Characters ] [ Info and Links ]

Chapter 7

[ Up ]

“Come on, let’s go play on the swings!” shouted Milon. “What swings?” frowned King Cigarillo.

“Oh, you’re so defeatist,” said Milon as a little mercury tear rolled down his ruffled plastic cheek. He kicked at the grass and sent clumps of earth flying into the air, one of which hit Cigarillo square in the eye. The King was most annoyed but when he saw the guilty expression on Milon’s bunny face he forgave him forever.

“Oh! Oh! Joy, joy, joy!” shouted the King as he jumped up and down.

“Yes,” Milon shouted back. “Joy! Joy!”

“We are in love! Love! Love!” They both shouted and laughed as they jumped and danced around on the grass.

“I’m so glad I met you,” said Milon.

“Me too.” said the King.

Just then a little plot development fell out of one of the King’s huge pockets and clattered to the ground. It was black and grey and small and box shaped, little red lights flashed all over it. As it hit the ground it cracked open, fizzed, sparked and died.

“What’s that?” said Milon.

“V/hat’s what? And why were we dancing?” asked the King.

“What that, that thing there that’s just fallen out of your big pocket. And we were dancing because we are in love.” “Don’t be silly man!” retorted the King. “I don’t love you as much as I don’t love the Stinkmen of Planet Stinkon.”

“What?” shouted Milon and then he picked up the broken box/thingy. “Oh no! I recognise this, we were shown them in training camp. It’s a Lust-Wave Emitter, that’s why you loved me so, I thought it was too good to be true. And now...” he sobbed. “Now it’s broken.”

“What are you talking about?” said the King, a little confused, “and where is my Queen?”

“Oh my dear King?” Milon cried. “Will you ever love me again?”

* * *

Far, far away, on the other side of the galaxy, on the fragrant world of Planet Fragrancia, Doctor Bloom had just finished what was possibly his finest ever creation. The Hypnotic Peace Ray Machine. He smiled a flowery and very satisfied smile.

“At last! The muscadine and ambrosial people of Planet Fragrancia will finally learn to live in peace. There will be no more violence and everyone will love everyone else. All I have to do is press this button.” Doctor Bloom was alone in his laboratory and talking to himself, nevertheless he pointed with a flourish to a large red button on his Hypnotic Peace Ray Machine which had the word PRESS written on it.

“And now,” he said with a mild and benevolent laugh, “to test it out...”

* * *

Jennifer was still struggling.

“Oh, do keep still, Jennifer my dear,” said FlightOfFancy. “It won’t be long now.”

She struggled some more.

“No one has ever escaped laser cuffs, you know,” he smirked. I bet Milon could, thought Jennifer. Where is he? “Right! That’s it!” said FlightOfFancy, standing up. “I haven’t registered a single signal from that eloping pair in over ten moon-minutes. They must be dead, we’re going down.”

“No!” thought Jennifer. “No, they can’t be dead. Milon!”

FlightOfFancy tapped something into the keyboard. “Prepare to land, my darling,” he shouted over the noise of the thruster jets. Milon the Unloved and King Cigarillo the Confused and Bewildered both looked up at the same time as the Interstellar Spacecraft Q004 came to land, scorching the grass and roaring like a wild animal. The airlock hatch hatched open and out rolled Jennifer, tied and gagged. Milon gasped. FlightOfFancy stepped out behind Jennifer and gasped too.

“Jennifer?” gasped Milon.

“I thought you were dead!” gasped FlightofFancy.

“Not at the moment, but I intend to kill her when I have the time.”

“Err...” said the King, still a little fuzzy.

Things had not gone well recently for Milon. Within the past ten minutes he had lost the love of his life and found out that the love the King felt for him was just a fabrication brought about by the Lust-Wave Emitter. And, to top it all he had just witnessed his life long partner and friend tossed, tied and gagged, from his spaceship and then threatened with death. Milon was a boiling point. Slowly, with dedication, forethought and pure-breed malicious intent, he opened up his chest and reached deep down inside his leg.

“This,” said Milon as he pulled out his Hyper-Super-Big-VeryBig-OhShitThat’sBig-Death Power Don’tMessWithMe-JustTryItAndYou’reDead-AndIMeanDEAD Gun and pointed it very calmly at FlightOfFancy’s head. “This is not going to be very pleasant for you...”

* * *

At that moment, Doctor Bloom, far away on Planet Fragrancia, pressed the large red button marked PRESS. The Hypnotic Peace Ray Machine hummed into life and tootled a happy tune as Hypnotic Peace Rays whizzed out of all of its two hundred and sixty orifices. Travelling at speed that easily made breakfast out of other, much slower, speeds (such as light speed, for instance), they sped across the universe and filled it with love and joy.

Doctor Bloom smiled a contented smile.

* * *

On Cartonia Orange 7, the angry hangovers from the wedding-night celebrations were turned into happy, loving laughter. The ten Dangling Matriarchs apologised to their newly made shoes and promised to re-incarnate R R Arre at their earliest possible convenience.

* * *

Deep in Big Building in Dustbowl on Moon F, Queen Knives smiled warm-heartedly at Duke Carving.

He smiled back. “Weren’t we supposed to be invading the entire Cartonian Solar System and killing the King?” he asked.

“I don’t think we’ll bother now,” said the Queen, “and you’d better cancel that order for the ritual suicide of the aristocracy too.

“OK,” chirped the Duke. “Queen?”

“Yes?”

“I love you!”

* * *

Back on Moon CO7–D, Milon was having a change of heart.

“Milon my love!” shouted King Cigarillo. “I love you!”

“Milon!” shouted Jennifer, who had managed to work the gag out of her mouth. “I love you!”

“King!” shouted Milon. “I love you! And Jennifer I love you!”

“Jennifer!” shouted the King. “I love you!”

“King!” shouted Jennifer (getting tired of this yet?) “I love you!”

FlightOfFancy fell to his knees and mumbled something.

“What?” the three lovers said together.

“Oh,” said Milon, releasing Jennifer from her laser cuffs. “I forgot about him.” But it was too late, FlightOfFancy was crumpled up the grass singing quietly to himself and bumbling like a bee.

“I suppose all this love was just too much for him?” said King Cigarillo.

“Sometimes the stations are not so magnetic, and babies like to throw green concrete at the woman’s French Gnome...” said FlightOfFancy. His eyes were glazed over, and he was smiling, and dribbling.

“Shall we leave him here?” said Jennifer the Complete. “I haven’t got the heart to hurt him.”

“Yes,” said Milon, “he seems happy enough.”

“I’m glad everything got sorted out,” said the King. “It was all getting to be rather complicated.”

“Yes,” said Milon and Jennifer.

“Shall we go then?” said the King.

“Where to?” said Jennifer.

“Anywhere we like!” said Milon. “Let’s go.”

Our three intrepid adventurers piled back into Interstellar Spacecraft Q 004 and sat in the bridge. Happiness radiated from them like sunshine.

Milon and Jennifer looked at each other. “I missed you,” said Milon.

“And I missed you too,” said Jennifer. “My QGA training helped me though.” Her ears twitched.

“Right! And don’t forget we still have our mission to fulfil.”

“Of course,” said Jennifer. “Let’s go.”

“Hooray!” shouted the King.

Milon turned to face the computer-control. “Set course for Cartonia Red 3, bypassing Cartonia Blue 9. We are on a mission!”

The computer buzzed into action and the spacecraft took off. The Cartonian solar system lay naked before them.

THE END..?