Klothe and Melenkius Take Centre Stage – a One-Act Play, by Stephen William Theaker
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Klothe and Melenkius Take Centre Stage – a One-Act Play, by Stephen William Theaker
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SCENE ONE THE SCENE: KLOTHE AND MELENKIUS ARE STROLLING THROUGH THEIR EXTENSIVE GROUNDS. THEIR ROBOTIC SERVANTS ARE IN ATTENDANCE BUT OUT OF SIGHT. BOTH ARE RATHER FAT, AND WEAR GARMENTS WHICH MIGHT BE DESCRIBED AS MONKISH WERE THEY NOT MADE OF THE FINEST SILK (BRIGHTLY COLOURED, BUT EACH GARMENT IS OF A SINGLE COLOUR). THEY WALK ONTO THE STAGE, KLOTHE SLIGHTLY AHEAD OF HIS FRIEND. HE LOOKS AROUND, SMILES, COMES TO A STOP AND TURNS TO MELENKIUS. KLOTHE Shall we stop here for a moment? It’s so beautiful, is it not? MELENKIUS It should be. I spent a week designing it. (HE SITS DOWN ON A GRASSY BUMP) Why did we have to come out here? I was perfectly happy back at the manse. KLOTHE This could be it, Melenkius! You know that as well as I. MELENKIUS Maybe so, but did we have to come for it today? KLOTHE I don’t know what you mean, I’m sure. In my opinion, there couldn’t be a nicer day for it. MELENKIUS It would have been a nicer day for doing other things. We could have used a second-rate day for this. KLOTHE (BECOMING ANGRY AND PULLING MELENKIUS TO HIS FEET) That’s enough, Melenkius. You know it must be done today! Please discontinue your efforts to focus your resentment upon me. I am not to blame for this, as you know perfectly well. MELENKIUS I suppose that you’re right. But then again... (HE BRUSHES THE GRASS FROM HIS BACKSIDE) KLOTHE Yes? MELENKIUS Why should I be fair? Is all this fair? KLOTHE That, my dear Melenkius, is not the point. We are on a quest! (RAISES ONE ARM AND POINTS TO THE SKY) We must do what must be done! MELENKIUS I know! But does it have to be today? That’s my point. KLOTHE It does have to be today. Let’s get on with it. (HE TAKES A COMPASS-SHAPED OBJECT FROM WITHIN THE FOLDS OF HIS GARMENT) I shall just take our bearings. (HE LOOKS AT THE OBJECT, THEN AT THE SUN, TURNS NINETY DEGREES AND REPEATS THIS PROCESS THREE TIMES) MELENKIUS Well? KLOTHE We seem to have arrived. MELENKIUS Are you sure? (HE LOOKS AROUND) It doesn’t seem too promising. KLOTHE I suppose I am. (HE SEEMS DOUBTFUL) There’s no telling where he’ll turn up you know. Think of last time! MELENKIUS Oh, of course... (HE SMILES AND SHAKES HIS HEAD) How could I ever forget? That old scoundrel! Who can ever say what he’s going to do next! KLOTHE So you remember last time? MELENKIUS Of course, of course! Of course it’s all a bit of a blur... it was a long time ago, after all, I remember something, anyway... KLOTHE Do you remember anything about him? MELENKIUS Well, not about him in particular... KLOTHE That‘s my point. I’m no longer convinced that there was a last time. That’s why this time is so very important. MELENKIUS Come now, Klothe! Do you really expect me to believe that this has not happened before? KLOTHE It may well have done, I’m not disputing that, but I don’t think that it has ever happened to us before. MELENKIUS But all the evidence points to it! KLOTHE What evidence, Melenkius? There isn’t any. Think about it. MELENKIUS I’m sure that there was something in my pockets... (HE BEGINS TO SEARCH WITH A NOTICEABLE LACK OF CONVICTION THROUGH THE POCKETS OF HIS GARMENT, OF WHICH THERE ARE SEVERAL. FOR THE REST OF THE SCENE HE TAKES OUT AND PLACES ON THE GROUND THE FOLLOWING OBJECTS: A COMPASS-LIKE OBJECT IDENTICAL TO THE ONE HELD BY KLOTHE, A SMALL METAL MODEL OF A FOUR-LEGGED ANIMAL, A TINY SCARF, AN EGG-TIMER, A SALT-SHAKER, AN UMBRELLA AND THREE ORANGES, WHICH HE ATTEMPTS TO BALANCE UPON HIS STOMACH) A map, some documents, I’m sure there was something... KLOTHE You’re mistaken, Melenkius. This morning, I woke you. You stood. You dusted off your behind. Then we began to walk. MELENKIUS And you didn’t tell me why? KLOTHE No. MELENKIUS I’m sure that you did. I remember it distinctly. KLOTHE Really? MELENKIUS Yes. I’m amazed that you don’t remember it. I woke up this morning. I stood up. You were there. I dusted off my behind. You said, ‘Melenkius, it’s that time again. We must go to meet him, just as we did last the time.’ KLOTHE This is pure fantasy, Melenkius. (HE LOOKS UP INTO THE AIR) He’ll be here soon, and I don’t want you to give a bad impression of yourself. It might spoil our chances. (HE MOVES CLOSER TO MELENKIUS AND BEGINS TO FEEL HIS HEAD) MELENKIUS What are you doing? KLOTHE (STEPPING BACK) Just checking. MELENKIUS You seemed so sure a few minutes ago! You said that this was the place! KLOTHE (SITTING DOWN) Well now I’m not. I’m not even sure that I remember this morning at all! How long have we been walking, anyway? MELENKIUS Since this morning. KLOTHE That’s what I thought. (THE ORANGES ROLL OFF MELENKIUS’ STOMACH) We need some help. MELENKIUS What about the robots? KLOTHE Of course! Why didn’t I think of it? MELENKIUS Isn’t it sufficient that one of us did? KLOTHE Please accept my apologies, my dear old Melenkius, of course it is! (HE STANDS UP) Please summon one of them! (MELENKIUS WAVES EXPANSIVELY. ENTER ROBOT.) SCENE TWO KLOTHE, MELENKIUS, ROBOT * * * MELENKIUS Good afternoon, Henrius Biscus. ROBOT Good afternoon, sir. Would sir care for a drink? MELENKIUS Not right now, Henrius. It’s about... ROBOT Then would sir care for something to eat? MELENKIUS No, no, listen... ROBOT Is sir feeling well? Sir usually enjoys his food so much. If I may? (THE ROBOT MOVES CLOSE TO MELENKIUS AND PLACES A HAND ON THE SIDE OF HIS THROAT) MELENKIUS Well? ROBOT Sir is quite well... KLOTHE So he should stop complaining about our little walk! It is just plain laziness, is it not, Biscus? ROBOT Well, of course natural respect would normally cause me to concur with the master in anything he said... MELENKIUS Harrumph! ROBOT But I’m afraid that in this instance he is quite incorrect. MELENKIUS Ha! ROBOT The corpulence of Master Melenkius means that if he continues to exert himself in this way he shall undoubtedly cause damage to his feet. Perhaps he should sit down for a moment? (BOTH MEN ARE SILENT AND PUT OUT. AFTER A PAUSE MELENKIUS SITS BACK DOWN.) KLOTHE (TO MELENKIUS) Well? MELENKIUS What? KLOTHE You were going to ask the robot about this morning. MELENKIUS Ah yes, this morning. Come over here, Henrius.
Yes, sir? MELENKIUS Tell me, Henrius, do you remember this morning? ROBOT Of course I do, sir. Having constructed me himself, sir will certainly be aware that nothing but a direct order can cause me to forget. KLOTHE (IMPATIENT) So tell us about it! The morning. ROBOT (TURNING TO FACE KLOTHE) Does sir not remember himself? He ordered me to forget everything previous to that order, before waking Master Melenkius. Master Melenkius stood, brushed the grass from his backside, and listened to Master Klothe say, ‘Melenkius, it’s that time again. We must go to meet him, just as we did the last time, or there will be trouble.’ Then the party began to stroll through the grounds. KLOTHE (STROKING HIS CHIN) Mmmm. MELENKIUS Mmmm! ROBOT Sirs? KLOTHE (TO ROBOT) Trouble, you say? ROBOT That is correct, sir. ‘Or there will be trouble.’ MELENKIUS I don’t like the sound of that, friend Klothe. KLOTHE (RE-ANIMATING HIMSELF) What does it change, Melenkius? We knew that there was an important reason for coming here, after all. MELENKIUS And it sounds like this morning you knew what it was. KLOTHE I don’t remember any of this. Is it any surprise that I’m beginning to be rather dubious about the entire situation? MELENKIUS I wonder why you told Henrius to forget everything? KLOTHE That’s puzzling me too. (TURNS TO THE ROBOT) I gave you no reason? ROBOT If sir did so, I have been ordered to forget. MELENKIUS Mmm. KLOTHE There were no clues? After you forgot? ROBOT Regrettably not, sir. KLOTHE I am at a loss. MELENKIUS Shall we return to the manse? KLOTHE (ANGRILY) Of course not! He’ll be here soon! (HE LOOKS UP INTO THE AIR) MELENKIUS How can you still be so sure? About that and nothing else? KLOTHE (SITTING DOWN) You know, you could be right. There’s no way of knowing. MELENKIUS I suppose that there is one way of finding out. KLOTHE (EAGER) Yes? What is it? MELENKIUS We could sit here and wait. (KLOTHE LOOKS BEHIND HIMSELF, TWISTING AROUND) KLOTHE I suppose it wouldn’t hurt. MELENKIUS Let’s hope not. (HE LOOKS A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE) (PAUSE) ROBOT Would sirs care for some refreshment while they wait for Mr Reggianus? MELENKIUS What an excellent idea, Henrius Biscus! Bring on the food and wine! KLOTHE (SUDDENLY LEAPING TO HIS FEET) Wait a minute! Did you say Mr Reggianus, Biscus? ROBOT (SUDDENLY LOOKING RATHER CAGEY) Mm, ah... I believe... MELENKIUS (GETTING TO HIS FEET) Well? Out with it, Henrius! Who are we waiting for? KLOTHE I believe he mentioned one Mr Reggianus. ROBOT Hum. Yes, I believe I did. Though I would be grateful if sirs could kindly forget such a regrettable incident. MELENKIUS (TO KLOTHE) He knows something about all this! KLOTHE And I would like to know a little more about what he knows. MELENKIUS (SEARCHING IN HIS POCKETS ONCE AGAIN) I’m sure that I’ve got a sonic screwdriver in here somewhere. KLOTHE Then, dear Melenkius, please discover it quickly, and prepare to operate! (HE CIRCLES ROUND THE ROBOT SO THAT HE IS STANDING BEHIND IT AS MELENKIUS APPROACHES IT FROM IN FRONT, BRANDISHING WITH MENACE THE SCREWDRIVER WHICH HAS TURNED UP) ROBOT Sirs! Sirs! (HE RETREATS FROM MELENKIUS UNTIL HE BUMPS INTO KLOTHE’S STOMACH) Such drastic action is unnecessary! Within the hour Mr Reggianus will be here himself, and he will explain everything! MELENKIUS (LOWERING THE SCREWDRIVER) Are you sure? ROBOT Oh yes, Master Melenkius! KLOTHE You’re going to take his word for it? Are you crazy? MELENKIUS Dearest Klothe, are you venturing to suggest that I might have built a dishonest robot? (THE SCREWDRIVER BEGINS TO RISE ONCE MORE) KLOTHE No, no, of course not, dear friend. MELENKIUS (MOLLIFIED) I’m glad to hear it. (HE SITS BACK DOWN) So, Henrius, what about that food and wine? (KLOTHE MOVES OVER TO SIT AT THE LEFT OF THE STAGE. HE AND MELENKIUS NOW FORM TWO CORNERS OF AN ISOCELES TRIANGLE, WITH THE THIRD CORNER BEING IN THE CENTRE OF THE AUDIENCE. THE ROBOT STANDS OFF TO ONE SIDE, BEHIND AND TO THE RIGHT OF MELENKIUS.) ROBOT Certainly, sir. But perhaps sir would like to postpone his repast until after the interview with Mr Reggianus? MELENKIUS Confound it, Henrius! We could be waiting all day to eat, if we hold it up on account of your mystery man! ROBOT On the contrary, sir, here is Mr Reggianus now. MELENKIUS AND KLOTHE What? (THEY BOTH TURN TO FACE THE SKY BEHIND THEM) KLOTHE Where is his ship? (ENTER MR REGGIANUS) SCENE THREE KLOTHE, MELENKIUS, ROBOT, MR REGGIANUS * * * MR REGGIANUS Good evening, gentlemen! (HE ENTERED STAGE LEFT, FURTHER FORWARD THAN KLOTHE AND MELENKIUS. THUS THEY ARE CAUGHT BY SURPRISE) MELENKIUS (LOOKS TOWARD THE SETTING SUN) Well, it’s evening, at least. KLOTHE (NODDING) Some things can still be counted on. (MELENKIUS NODS SAGACIOUSLY) Whereas others seem to be feathers blown in the wind. Our memories, for instance. MELENKIUS Explain yourself, Mr Reggianus! MR REGGIANUS All in good time, my friends. First, let Henrius bring us some refreshments. KLOTHE You are no friend of ours, Reggianus. Is it possible that my memory could have been tampered with to such an extent that the hate I now feel for you is groundless? MR REGGIANUS Friend Klothe, I fear that you grow incoherent! As I said, wait and I shall explain. (REGGIANUS WAVES AT THE ROBOT, WHO EXITS STAGE RIGHT) KLOTHE Melenkius, do you believe what we are hearing! Insulted in our own grounds, told to wait at the beck and call of this scoundrel! Well I’ll have none of it! (HE LEAPS TO HIS FEET, PUTS UP HIS FISTS, AND ADVANCES ON MR REGGIANUS.) I’ll teach this ruffian a lesson or two! MELENKIUS Teach the devil one or two from me as well! (KLOTHE BANGS INTO AN INVISIBLE BARRIER) MR REGGIANUS Another time, perhaps. (KLOTHE STALKS THE EDGE OF THE BARRIER, WHICH IS A CIRCLE OF FIVE METRES DIAMETER WITH MR REGGIANUS AT ITS CENTRE) A small precaution, for your safety as much as mine, I assure you. (MELENKIUS STANDS UP, AND KLOTHE MOVES OVER TO STAND BESIDE HIM) MELENKIUS It’s time to explain. What has been going on today? What’s happened to our memories? Why did Klothe order Henrius to forget everything? Why did Klothe forget everything himself? KLOTHE Who are you? Why are you here? How did you come to control our robotic servants? (PAUSE) And what do you plan to do next? MR REGGIANUS That’s enough questions for now! I’ll try to explain, then, since you seem so intent on my doing so. Where should I begin? Do you remember your names? Yes, of course you do. Do you remember what you do? MELENKIUS Of course! I designed and constructed both these grounds and our robotic servants. MR REGGIANUS And you, Klothe, what do you do? KLOTHE Why, what a ridiculous question! I am... my chosen profession is... MR REGGIANUS Yes? KLOTHE It seems that you are still playing tricks with our memories. MELENKIUS It’s obvious. He’s here with me, he must be my companion, my friend, or my assistant. KLOTHE I, your assistant, Melenkius? I fear that Mr Reggianus has gone a step too far in addling your brains! You seem to have lost your mind entirely! Do you forget who took the initiative this morning? Who got us to the meeting-place on time? I am quite obviously the leader of this group! You are probably one of my employees. MELENKIUS Why, you... secretary! KLOTHE Handyman! MELENKIUS Clerk! KLOTHE Hired hand! MR REGGIANUS Gentlemen, please calm down! Neither of you are completely wrong, and no one of you is the subordinate of the other. You are Klothe and Melenkius, the famous constructors! Known and respected throughout the galaxy! Who has not admired the Twisting Tower of Ramacolos Five? Who has not marvelled at the Gardens of Tricelope, hanging from the stars? And who could resist the lure of the Dancing Palace of the Star Lords? MELENKIUS They seem to ring a bell... Only the bell sounds so distantly that it may well be ringing in another’s head. KLOTHE Nicely put, my friend, if a little overdone. I have the same feeling. MR REGGIANUS The most famous constructors in the universe! And while one dealt with the immense paperwork that your enterprises entailed, the other concentrated his abilities in purely technical areas. Equals, partners and friends, your always-linked names became synonymous with co-operation and harmony. KLOTHE Really? MR REGGIANUS Really. Where is that robot? (THE ROBOT ENTERS, BRINGING A TRAY OF FOOD AND WINE FOR KLOTHE AND MELENKIUS. THEY BEGIN TO SIP THE WINE) MR REGGIANUS That’s better. MELENKIUS That all sounds quite idyllic, but what went wrong? MR REGGIANUS It is rather difficult to explain. KLOTHE Please, Mr Reggianus, make the attempt. MR REGGIANUS An ill-advised shift of emphasis. MELENKIUS (GLARING AT KLOTHE) A business error, you mean? MR REGGIANUS Not exactly. A change of format, if you will. You began working in one material, then switched to another. KLOTHE (GLARING AT MELENKIUS) A-ha! Shoddy workmanship! MR REGGIANUS No, not that either. I told you that this would be difficult to explain. I was trying to use a metaphor which you would both understand. Perhaps a better way of putting it would be to say that someone began working you in one material, then switched to another. KLOTHE Someone has been working us? MELENKIUS Do you mean to say that I am some kind of marionette?
(SMILING) If you are, then someone is holding some very thick strings. KLOTHE You’ll forgive us when we do not laugh. MR REGGIANUS Ahem, yes, I’m sorry. KLOTHE And the outcome of this change? MR REGGIANUS Oh, the usual, a certain confusion about your origins, your abilities, even your relationship. Your very appearance has even been in doubt. All these things are common in a transition of this kind. MELENKIUS And what happens next? MR REGGIANUS Oh, don’t worry about that. That’s really why I’m here: to allay your fears about the future. The disorientation that you have been experiencing as a result of the change in genre should disappear as your new creator becomes more sure of himself and of your new forms. I play a very important part in that process. KLOTHE Is that so? MR REGGIANUS That is so. MELENKIUS Have you anything to add? MR REGGIANUS I can think of nothing. The two of you seem to be developing remarkably rapidly. Your definition is increasing with every passing moment. KLOTHE When shall you be leaving? MR REGGIANUS Very soon, I believe. MELENKIUS And you shall be returning control of the robotic servants to our hands? MR REGGIANUS Naturally. MELENKIUS That all seems satisfactory to me. All very clear. Klothe? KLOTHE I agree completely. So with the assent of my partner) (MELENKIUS NODS) I’ll bid you farewell, Mr Reggianus. MR REGGIANUS Farewell, gentlemen! Don’t worry, things will get simpler from here on in! (EXIT MR REGGIANUS STAGE LEFT) (KLOTHE AND MELENKIUS SILENT A MOMENT) (RE-ENTER MR REGGIANUS, HOLDING A FEW STAPLED PIECES OF PAPER.) MELENKIUS What, you again? MR REGGIANUS (STRIDING OVER TO MELENKIUS) I thought that you might like to take at look at this. (HE PASSES THE PAPERS TO MELENKIUS) MELENKIUS What’s this? (READING) ‘The First Sally of Klothe and Melenkius; or, How Things Came to Be’. It’s a story about us, Klothe! We’re famous! KLOTHE (WALKS OVER AND TAKES THE PAPERS. HE LOOKS THROUGH THEM) This isn’t about us, Melenkius! Do you ever remember meeting a certain Lucien de Fer, who kidnapped us and took us to the furthest end of the universe? MELENKIUS I can’t say I do. MR REGGIANUS You will before long, don’t worry, you will... (HE WALKS OFF-STAGE WITHOUT THEM NOTICING) KLOTHE (TO MR REGGIANUS, HE BELIEVES) If you think this attempt at flattery changes anything, you’re quite, quite wrong. (TURNING) Ah, he’s gone, it seems... SCENE FOUR KLOTHE, MELENKIUS, ROBOT *** KLOTHE What did you make of all that, then, my dear old Melenkius? MELENKIUS The same as you, I’m sure, friend Klothe. The man was obviously a lunatic. KLOTHE Admittedly a lunatic in possession of some rather useful hypnosis and force-shield technology... MELENKIUS But a lunatic none the less! KLOTHE Precisely! MELENKIUS I have heard nothing so ridiculous in all my life. Men as puppets! A creator pulling the strings? KLOTHE And what did he mean by a change of genre? MELENKIUS What hogwash! Men are men, the world is the world... KLOTHE And whatever happened to the women? MELENKIUS (SADLY) Hmmm. (PAUSE) Anyway, people can’t be just changed in the manner he implied. (MELENKIUS BEGINS TO RUMMAGE AROUND IN HIS POCKETS) KLOTHE Of course they can’t. (MELENKIUS BEGINS TO HEAD TOWARDS THE ROBOT) ROBOT Does sir need any assistance? MELENKIUS No thanks, I can do this without help. (MELENKIUS TAKES THE SONIC SCREWDRIVER OUT OF HIS POCKET) KLOTHE What are you doing, Melenkius? MELENKIUS (PUTTING THE SCREWDRIVER TO THE ROBOT’S NECK) I’m going to reprogram this blasted robot! He’s going to spend the rest of his existence clearing out the sewage tanks at the nearest baby farm. And what’s more, he’ll be programmed to find it extremely unpleasant. KLOTHE A fine joke, but a little cruel, don’t you think? He couldn’t help what he did. MELENKIUS (PUTTING THE SCREWDRIVER AWAY, WITH SOME RELUCTANCE) I suppose that you’re right. KLOTHE (PUTTING HIS ARM AROUND HIS FRIEND’S SHOULDERS) Good, now let’s be on our way. There’s a lot to be done tomorrow. We must get back to the manse. MELENKIUS Ah, that’s true. The appointments and assignments are piled higher than Granulian cheese on Worldwide Cheese-Climbing Day. There is much work to be done. KLOTHE (THEY BEGIN TO WALK OFF STAGE) You know that’s the case. First up, I believe, is a certain Victorum Etchamosey, who wants a mechanical bear to eat his spare children. MELENKIUS Hmmm... the case offers certain fascinating technical problems... Waste disposal, for instance. (FADING AS THEY LEAVE THE STAGE) And how to keep the teeth clean... (EXIT KLOTHE AND MELENKIUS) (THE ROBOT LOOKS AROUND. HE STARES AT THE AUDIENCE, PICKS UP THE ORANGES, WAVES FOR THE CURTAIN TO FALL AND LEAVES THE STAGE) THE END |
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ROBOT
MR REGGIANUS